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Today in Things I Am Over we will discuss dating apps. Which I am over. Completely. Not that I ever had high hopes for them to begin with but with such low expectations, you’d think I’d have fun with at least one of them, right? They are all basically the same app, except Hinge pulls people who you have friends in common with on Facebook, so it’s not, like, totally sketchy. Just sort of, very sketchy.
Tinder is a joke, which is why I joined. The gross photos that I come across always make me laugh (and occasionally cringe). I met one guy for a drink once and he was very nice. He was a southern boy who ended up being in a very indie band that I like. He was flakey though. Like, we-couldn’t-seem-to-make-plans-to-get-together-in-the-six-weeks-since-our-first-date-flakey. Yet he was still texting me. I gave up on him. I think he was just sort of unknowingly stupid. Very sweet, but stupid.
Then there’s Hinge. This is a joke too but I’d heard it was better than Tinder, and I was like, ‘Why not!’ so I joined. Spoiler alert: It’s not better than Tinder. You get 15 matches a day and you can go through and say if you like anyone (ie. do I think this person is attractive?). I’ve matched with a bunch of guys but I haven’t actually met any of them in person. Why? I literally know nothing about the person from their profile. So, essentially, why would I want to meet them? Because they’re attractive? Not good enough. (For me, at least.) I was supposed to meet a guy for coffee today but I decided I was just that disinterested. I’m sure he was a nice person, but luckily I caught him via text before he got on the train from Park Slope to come to the UWS.
Then there’s Coffee Meet Bagel. This is a snooze. You get one match a day and if you both say you like each other, you get a text and you commence speaking and actually getting to know each other - as well as you can via text. I’ve met met one or two guys off this app. It’s OK, but I’m bored it at this point.
The problem with these apps? They’re pretty shallow. You’re going solely (for the most part) off whether or not you think the other person is attractive. For me, this is just not enough. You’re good looking? Well, congratulations on your genetics. Attraction for me comes from whether or not the other person is smart, witty, sardonic, etc. Chemistry, I guess.
Maybe part of the problem is that I don’t really feel like making the effort to date anyone right now. Yes, besides the fact that these apps are shitty, there is that fact too. I’ll be deleting these apps and I’ll stick to going out in the real world and see who is fed up them too.
I had an incredibly boring date on Friday. And that’s being nice. There was nothing wrong with him, but we had zero to talk about. I ended the date by saying exactly that. I’m quite positive he was relieved too. I was home by 9pm on Friday and I caught up on some R&R while chatting extremely briefly with a dude on OkCupid. We exchanged pleasantries and phone numbers and said we’d possibly get coffee on Sunday.
Well, today was Sunday and we met up at Khave in Hell’s Kitchen and we had a relaxing two and a half hour discussion over teas, smoothies, and tortilla chips. He was German, which I’d somehow completely glossed over on his profile, so naturally I was very interested in the difference between the two countries. (The two countries being Germany and the US, of course.) This is what I learned this afternoon:
We also discussed Backlash Theory, Malcolm Gladwell, and Freakanomics (which I have yet to read!). Though I don’t know if we’ll see each other again, I know I had a really good time talking to him and I could totally see being friends.
On another note: If Germans are as direct as he says, I may need to think about learning German and moving there. Anyone have any tips for learning German?
I had a helluva day at work yesterday. After kicking ass for almost three weeks straight, some shit hit the fan. All at the same time. (That said: I’m trying not to think about it endlessly and kill myself over it.)
After a bad day do you know what’s not a good idea? Going on a date. With alcohol. And no food. But you know what I did?
I went on a date. After a bad day. Had two drinks. Without food.
Yeah, it was spectacular. After he announced that his 34 year old self really wanted kids. I should’ve just left it there but I didn’t. I ended up yelling at him.
Obviously I’m not seeing him again (nor would I want to), but I did send him a message this morning apologizing for being so… feisty (?) on my his first date in 3 years.
Let’s review the math: Date + drinks + bad day = A bad combination.
My new thing is to chat with guys very seldom before I meet them. Otherwise you develop this ridiculous person that you think they are based on their texts and it’s usually incredibly off.
So, I went on a date last night with a guy who, online, in the brief time I’d chatted with him, seemed nice enough. He was cute - in a quirky way. We met at Ninth Ward downtown. It looked like a cool place and they had happy hour.
He was nice. He was really nice. And he was kind of cute in person. Still quirky. But there were way too many pauses in our conversation. I didn’t know what to say to him, and even worse, I didn’t care. I just wanted to finish my beer and go home. And eat. I was really hungry and I didn’t want to order food there and have to spend more time with this person who I’d never see again.
We decided we’d split the very minimal check (thank you, happy hour!) and when his debit card was declined twice, I picked up the tab. I was kind of pissed he didn’t even offer to swing by an ATM.
This is why I’ve never been on a date where I haven’t offered to pay my half. I can’t imagine how annoying it is to always pay for dates, even when they’re not going well. Sometimes the guys decline my offer, but sometimes they accept.
Lesson here is: Ladies, it’s the 20th century. Don’t expect your date to pay for your alcohol or food.
Awkward side note: Just noticed that this dude checked out my profile again at 2am last night. Oy vey.
Am I the only one that has been out on first dates where the guy has at least 4 drinks? I can’t be the only one. I think New York is swimming with guys who have drinking problems simply because we don’t have to worry about driving. Anyways, I went on a date today with a guy who does everything in his power not to go anywhere for drinks or food on first dates. He’s not in AA, but he just likes to lift the alcohol blinders off his dates. Which I can totally understand and appreciate.
We met in Central Park, in Strawberry Fields, with our DSLRs in hand, ready to take pictures and wander the paths. He was really nice. But slightly odd. We never took a single picture, but we wandered the paths for a couple of hours and talked. When I asked him how his experience dating in New York has been, he replied, “I don’t know. I haven’t given it much thought.” As though, why would you ever think about that instead of just going on with your day?
It was an odd experience. At one point he said, “Can I be honest with you for a second? You seem defensive,” which I definitely was because I had no idea what to make of this guy. I wasn’t really expecting anything, but he was unlike any guy I’ve met recently.
That said: I don’t really think he was a spark so I most likely will not be seeing him again.
That said, part deux: I’d like to try this Dating Sans the Alcohol Blinders thing again soon.
Honestly? I really don’t like Valentine’s Day. I’m very happy that my man is flying up tonight to see me, but we’re not going out to dinner (we did have reservations but I asked him if he’d mind if we got Levain, beer, and chicken wings instead at a pub on the UWS - he was happy to oblige). But this date just happened to fall on a weekend so we said, why not!
I’ve had a terrible habit of breaking up with guys that I’m seeing, casually or otherwise, within 1-7 days of this holiday. I can’t take the pressure.
So, since I technically have a valentine this year, and the pressure is basically off (no parading around like we’re all pro-Valentine’s Day), I’m trying to calm down and just have fun eating some chocolate.
We’re doing a cheesy Valentine’s Day thing at work and we all had to make “card bags” and mine properly reflects my feelings towards the holiday:
Happy chocolate, cupcake, and sex day!
… use the term “date night,” you all have permission to punch me in the neck.
Because you know what this means? It means that you stay home with your significant other a majority of the time now (which, btw, is totally fine) and you feel the need to broadcast your trip to Applebees or Chili’s* to your 500 bff’s on the interwebs that you’re actually leaving the house.
What’s better than staying home with your significant other, cooking, drinking some wine, and watching a movie? Very little. But when you actually stop having sex for a long enough span of time to get dressed and go somewhere? This is not “date night.” This is just going out because you’d like to eat something specific or you’re too lazy to cook (again: nothing wrong with either one of those reasons).
Stop trying to prove to the internets that you’re still exciting. If you want to go out somewhere, go. No need to make a national holiday out of it.
*Also: If Applebees or Chili’s ever become acceptable establishments to eat at with my significant other (and not ironically), this is also a cause for concern.
I had a coffee date on Saturday with a dude. I wasn’t very excited because he was a) an actor and b) a vegan. Now I’m a huge believer in “eat everything in healthy moderation,” but I know there are vegans out there and to each their own. So the fact that this guy being a vegan made me think twice about him was very silly.
But the actor thing? Ugh. I’ve dated actors before. I mean, I went to school for theatre (not acting myself, but management) so I was around them all the time. I dated a lot of them. I can’t exactly get on their schedule while having a 8:30am-whenever-ish PM job. This, while less silly, was another silly reason.
So, we met up at Joe in Columbia’s atrium on 120th Street. I love that place, it’s awesome. So we grabbed a couple of drinks and sat outside in the courtyard. We talked really easily. It was a good time. When it got too chilly, we came back inside and took two chairs and sat in front of one of the windows of the atrium.
We talked on and on and on about music and theatre, families and where we grew up, religion and politics. And then he quickly through in, “Do you want kids?” And I quickly replied, “Nope. You?” and he looked relieved and replied in agreement. Instant bond.
It’s really rare to find someone that you get along with who also doesn’t want children. And it’s not that I hate kids, it’s just that they’re a real timesuck, they’re expensive, and I don’t think I’m meant to have them (meaning I don’t have the right disposition to deal with them). I look forward to being the awesome, super-cool aunt to my friend’s kids, for sure. I will buy them a copy of the Rent cast recording when they turn 10 (which will be so un-edgy by then that it will be like listening to a nursery rhyme) and I’ll totally be there when they are 15 or 16 and want to go on the pill. But my own? Nah.
Now, who knows, I could change my mind at 40, but for the foreseeable future, I’m definitely not into the idea. I’m also not willing to make a life-changing decision right now because there’s a chance I might want it when I’m 40. That’s just silly. And am I willing to compromise that for a great guy? Absolutely not. That happened once already - he was totally cute and definitely a catch, but he wanted “a bunch” of children. So, we’re friends.
The vegan actor and I said we wanted to hang out again, so we’ll see. I have no expectations. But at least we got one very important question out of the way sooner rather than later.
I have this really bad habit of holding things that guys have done to me in the past (wah - victim alert!) against new guys I meet in the future. I don’t go around boasting, “men are awful, horrible people. all of them,” because a lot of my really close friends are guys and because it’s just not true. But I also forget that some people just suck.
I went on two dates last week with a guy who was really sweet and we really started clicking at the end of our second date last Sunday. He asked if I wanted to go to trivia night at a bar near my apartment (he also used to live in my neighborhood) and I said yes, and it was planned.
He texted me on Tuesday to say that he was really stressed out at work and would sadly have to cancel but could he take a rain check. Also being slammed at work, I said yes, of course, that’s fine. My week flew by and before I knew it, it was Friday night and I sent him a quick text saying that I hoped his week was winding down.
That was Friday night and I never heard back from him. Maybe it’s because this was a person that I only knew for a week-ish, but I’m not really bothered this time. Because, as one of my good guy friends reminded me last night, some people just suck and you can’t hold that against every one else.