that girl allison

I’ve written once about this guy recently and I debated over the last week or so, “Can I stay friends with him?” I thought he was a really great person at one time; really smart, helpful, caring, open, very knowledgeable.  After yesterday I knew I’d been mistaken, and I was incredibly happy about that and over him in about 10 minutes flat.  He’d once told me, “You have self-esteem issues, but I think being friends with me will help that.” The couple of guys who’ve heard that have all responded the same way, “That’s such bullshit! He’s just trying to keep you around.” It clicked: Oh, wait, yeah, you guys are right.

I haven’t been speaking to him all week, but I haven’t defriended him on Facebook yet either. I put out a question to my friends asking whether or not it was healthy to eat eggs for breakfast every morning. A friend who sees a nutritionist commented, my dad commented, and then he commented. A few minutes later one of my oldest best messaged me on Gchat, “Who is {insert name}? He’s SO dumb. He’s completely wrong.”  She explained to me why, and because she’s all about not engaging people who seemingly refuse to change their minds, she commented back telling my dad he was absolutely right.  

My best friend, mind you, is a physicians assistant. She knew better than anyone else commenting what was right and what wasn’t because she went through two grueling years of PA school and was a biology undergrad too.  The guy was fighting that cholesterol (whether high or low) really factored into how healthy a person was and didn’t mean anything in the big picture. He was also fighting that there was no correlation between high cholesterol and heart disease.  He asked anyone reading my FB to send him an article stating the above and my best friend did instantly, telling him it was “old news.”  Apparently, she explained, he was thinking about from a psych 101 point of view and he obviously didn’t know how to read a medical journal.  To be fair, I don’t either, but I’m not preaching on the internet to other people with false facts. I am fully aware of the information I don’t know and I readily admit it.

The guy wrote back once more, and my dad and best friend were tired of engaging with him so they ignored him and he replied a second time, obviously looking for a reaction to feed his ego.  My best friend remarked, “If he wants to have high cholesterol, let him. I officially dislike. You don’t need him as a friend, or anything else.”

So, I shouldn’t necessarily be happy about the fact that he’s a generally misinformed human being and wasn’t the all-knowledgeable demi-god that I thought he was, but I am.

Nobody’s perfect and I stand accused.   

I’ve debated writing about this for a few days now, but I decided I should, mostly because I can. This is my blog, right? I vaguely alluded to a guy a couple of months ago that I had some sort of a relationship with. The road got rocky recently and we both showed a couple of personality flaws this week that have saved us a lot of trouble in the future.

Two weeks I’d gotten upset at him and didn’t have a lot of time on my hands, so I became slightly passive aggressive and short with him. He told me the day after that my behavior was “unacceptable” and that passive aggressiveness wasn’t something he wouldn’t “tolerate.” Excuse me, but I don’t have friends that I let speak to me like that not to mention someone that I was slightly more intimate with. I let him know, calmly, that his word choice was hurtful to me, and he dismissed my feelings because I was apparently misunderstanding him. He told me that his word choice was “completely free of judgment.”

Then last week my feelings came to a head and I decided I didn’t want to keep them to myself anymore. Calmly I told him how I’d been feeling and again, he took my feelings away from me and dismissed them as incorrect (though he’d probably deny this).  This was the second time in two weeks that I’d tried to be honest with him and again, he’d proven he wasn’t listening to me and couldn’t handle me being honest.

A girlfriend told me the acknowledge that maybe he just wasn’t someone who was able to accommodate someone with baggage like mine, but also not to let myself be defined by my so-called baggage.  If it was baggage and qualities that I could change, and I would be better off for it if I changed them, then I should work on those qualities before wasting energy seeing if I could find a guy who could handle baggage from past relationships.  The main personality trait that I can admit needs changing is my propensity to expect the worst of everyone (okay, mainly just men). I expect that every new guy I meet will be exactly like the ones that have hurt me before, when really every person is different. I’m basically just getting in my own way now, so I’m going to try hard to work on that.

A guy friend (who I’d begged to tell me the truth, and not just what he thought I’d want to hear) later told me last night that this guy did me a favor by showing his true colors sooner rather than later. I’d dodged a bullet.

I read The Daily Love (a daily email) and in today’s email was the following: 

“It’s soooo important to be able to feel safe to be ourselves and express ourselves in our relationships. That is how a foundation of trust is built.” 

This is exactly the thing that was missing from my friendship/relationship/whatever with the aforementioned guy.  I realized that once I’d started to try to tell him how I was feeling, he wouldn’t try to understand it. He didn’t care enough to do that. I need that in any degree of a relationship.  That being said I’m also not writing myself off as “high maintenance,” throwing my arms up in the air and saying, “this is just how I am!” because I can change that part of myself. There are probably guys out there who can handle “high maintenance,” but I don’t see high maintenance as being manageable for any long term period.

There was a lot of good with this guy, but it couldn’t outweigh the fact that I couldn’t express myself with him. I’m thankful that I was able to recognize this and not change myself to fit his standards.

Throwing out his toothbrush yesterday felt good too.

A little over two weeks ago, I’d received quite a long message on OkCupid from a guy who was very attractive. I was impressed because he’d actually read my profile, it seemed. I had a busy two weeks ahead so we just messaged and texted through out the next weeks. 

Alarms started to go off in my head though the more we communicated. One night, while texting, he said he’d composed “some dope ass beats,” and his grammar, as well as knowledge of the difference between “your” and “you’re,” was proving to be less than stellar. A friend of mine encouraged me to stop being so judgmental and to still meet him and on Halloween we did just that.

We lived about three blocks (and a couple of avenues) from each other so we went to a bar in the neighborhood and had drinks. He was really cute, tall, and a genuinely nice guy with really good intentions. I really tried to like him, but it just wasn’t happening. He used the words “yo,” “dope,” and “bangin” a little too freely for my comfort. 

I don’t have a check-list of qualities that a guy I go out with has to have, but I do like a guy who I can easily converse with. Even though I tried to ignore some of the words coming out of his mouth… I couldn’t get comfortable with him.

Needless to say, I’m not seeing him again. I’m happy that I took a chance and met sometime new, but next time I’ll trust my instincts before I put myself through another awkward date.

Remember this guy who was sweet, patient, cute, and seemed promising?  Well, I spoke too soon.  I’m not all that upset, I wasn’t attached. We had two sober dates and they were awkward. I realized we didn’t get along as well when sober. I don’t really like being intoxicated 24/7 so I knew that this probably wasn’t going to work out.  We had no chemistry when we weren’t three drinks into our night and that blows. When you’re sitting in Think, getting coffee with someone who you thought you wanted to make out with profusely, and then you’re caught thinking, “This person is kind of boring me. What the hell?” It’s a bad realization.  (He really wasn’t a boring person though. He was incredibly eccentric, and smart.)

The kicker? We had a date on Sunday to meet for brunch (his idea) and he completely forgot about it. I was sitting, waiting, in a restaurant in Brooklyn for him and I texted him telling him I was inside in case he was going to wait outside.  He called me a few minutes later, apologizing for completely forgetting and said he’d be there in half an hour. The brunch, again which was mostly sober, was awkward, and I left and came back to Manhattan after. He said he’d stayed up all night the night before recording an album because he was sober and when he doesn’t drink on Saturday nights, he forgets to go to sleep. 

I keep feeling as though maybe I was too judgmental about the whole thing (and him).  It was probably an honest mistake on his part, but due to the lack of chemistry and my being skeptical on whether or not he could actually be sober and still be cool, I didn’t want to proceed past Go.  I wrote him an email yesterday, making no judgments about him whatsoever, but simply telling him that while I enjoyed getting to know him, I didn’t think it was going to work out. 

I didn’t expect to hear back from him and thankfully haven’t yet. That email might be the most awkward part of all.

I was talking to someone earlier tonight and she said this to me. I know I’m a “walking contradiction” and all but she put it into perspective for me. I’ve said it a hundred times on here: I’m an awful dater. I overanalyze, freak out, create scenarios in my head that don’t exist, assume a lot… typical chick shit, I suppose.

I was the most awful version of myself (loud, blunt, slightly offensive, and semi-obnoxious) when I met a guy two and a half months ago and surprisingly we got on wonderfully. Now I don’t know what to do about him. I’ve been told to go with the flow, cut it off, I’m his “rebound,” and I’m “the girl he likes but not enough.” I told all of this to the person I was speaking to today and she said, “you like to be loud and opinionated, and you like to act based on your expectations and not of those around you, and you seem to be to be boxing yourself into these mythological scenarios that have no basis in reality.”  

She was right. When she asked me to explain what a “rebound” was and why it was bad, I could explain what it was but not why it was a bad thing.  It’s a negative thing because I’ve been told it is. I couldn’t actually think of a legitimate reason as to why that is. It doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. Can’t you just have fun?  And does every person that you date soon after a big break up automatically become a “rebound”?  Can’t they just be a person that “you’re getting to know”?

It sounds like I’m trying to sugar coat and ease my worries, but I agree with who I was speaking to tonight. I think a lot of dating rules are myths that we probably can’t justify except for that it happened to a “friend of a friend of a friend.” I might try (keyword being try) to not ask my friends for advice so often and do what I want to. 

I’m pretty sure things aren’t going to work out with this guy because we want different things, but he’s still a great person (and I genuinely mean that - it would be a lot easier to end it if he wasn’t). I just thought it might be nice to hear that we (ladies!) should maybe stop playing games based on rootless myths.  

Now excuse me while I go watch He’s Just Not That Into You…

I realized while at lunch with one of my good guy friends that while I’ve been dating a bit this year, I’m not good at integrating those guys into my lives. I guess I have boundary issues. I’ve never felt comfortable enough to ask a guy that I’ve been seeing for a bit what exactly he’s looking for (friend-with-benefits, casual dating, a relationship) so I tread very carefully. Like on eggshells, but worse.  Maybe I make them feel isolated and like I don’t really want to develop a relationship when I won’t really let them into my life. Who knows.  

Anyways, I’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks and he’s really sweet. We’ve been on four dates and he keeps asking me out (we’re hanging out twice this week - he insists that I must see Midnight in Paris). He’s smart, sarcastic, witty, a great conversationalist, and he makes me laugh. There’s still a ton more to learn about each other but so far it’s going really well.

I’m becoming more comfortable with him each time we hang out and on our last date I worked up the nerve to ask what he was looking for.  Surprisingly, we’re both looking for the same thing (which is something a little bit more substantial than what the New York dating scene has been affording us lately).  

I’m astonished by how this whole (seemingly well) thing is progressing, and maybe I’m getting ahead of myself (my pessimistic side sure thinks that’s the case), but I’m considering introducing him to some friends in the next few weeks (if things keep going well that is).  

The last time I dated someone who met my friends it was during my senior year of high school, and I didn’t have to introduce him - he just knew all of them (he tolerated them at least). In 2008, I went with a guy I was dating to a party and met some of his friends but he never met any of mine. I didn’t date very well in 2009 and I didn’t date anyone at all in 2010, so I suppose my being out of practice is understandable.

So, I ask this question to all of my friends who are better at dating than I am: when is it okay to ask a guy to meet some of your friends?

Hey, What’s going on? Not much here. I really would like to get to know you, and have sent you emails before, but never heard back from you, I get that either you could be uninterested, busy, or perhaps just missed my chance, but I’d rather write 1 last email for 2nd chance, then none at all, I really would love to talk, and discuss what we’re interested in, hobbies, what we like to do for fun, what makes us laugh and so on, so I can really learn more about you and see if there is any chemistry. I don’t really believe much into the OKCupid quiz, and my profile is not really going to give deep insight to my soul, so let’s talk, let me know what you’re cell is or instant messenger or something so we can communicate and take it from there… Thanks! I appreciate your time in reading this, and hopefully in giving me a chance. 
Sincerely, 
[Redacted]

Talk about a boring message. I fell asleep before I finished it. Yes, this isn’t the first time he’s sent me a message and while persistence is appreciated in the real world, it’s just creepy online. He’s a 34yo Jerseyite. We don’t have anything in common [as evident by reading his profile]. I should totally respond, right? (Kidding.)  I hate OkCupid sometimes.  

My friend Rachel threw a party on her roof last night which has an awesome view of the Empire State Building.  In addition to the view it was a beautiful [rain-free] night.  I got to catch up with some friends that I hadn’t seen in a while and I drank [a lot - as one usually does as these parties].  Another friend brought her [new-ish] boyfriend with whom I got on with fantastically and he revealed something to me that should probably be obvious: Guys like a little attention too.

We were talking about texting a guy, or not, and whether or not you should be in daily contact with a dude.  I had it drilled into my head in late ‘08/early ‘09 by a guy friend that I shouldn’t be texting a dude daily, and that there’s no reason to be daily contact with someone. At all. Under any circumstance. Well, I can safely say that guy friend mislead me because the opposite has been proven true. My friend’s boyfriend said, “If a few days go by and I don’t hear from her, I’m going to probably move on and assume she’s not interested.” And here I thought it was just playing Hard To Get.  

Hearing it from a guy was thrilling, though I kind of feel like an idiot for not catching onto the stupid obviousness on my own.  Why did I think guys didn’t want to feel liked?  Did anyone else not know this? 

A guy messaged me a week ago on OkCupid.  His message was kind of arrogant and I told him so (because that’s how I roll).  He replied asking for a chance to prove me wrong, and we grabbed beers last night in Alphabet City at B-Side.  It was probably the blindest “date” I ever had because I really didn’t read through his profile very thoroughly.  It was barely a date at all.  B-Side was a cool, really laid back bar (with $5 beers!) until about midnight when it started getting crowded and and they turned up the music.  The music selection came from a juke box and it was okay, except for when someone selected “My Name is Jonas,” by Weezer. That was the best.

He was a really nice guy and kinda cute, with an interesting profession (photographer).  But there was one problem: he watches Fox News and not just for it’s sensationalist entertainment value.  He watches it seriously.  He also reads the New York Post, and again, for news value.  He’s liberal on all social issues (non-religious, all for gay marriage, pro-choice) so it baffles my mind that he’s super patriotic and pro-Fox News.  

He said, “If we hang out again, we should take a tour of the Fox News headquarters,” after which I laughed heartily at him and almost left.  I almost left several times but I couldn’t because he seemed like such a genuinely nice guy, despite being a politically confused closeted liberal.  

He hugged me before I got in a cab and said he wanted to see me again, which I may have responded to with an eye roll and a smile.  He texted me soon after and said despite a “difference in politics” that he had fun.

I’m so perplexed about this dude.