that girl allison

Jew-Lite.

For the first time in a long time last night I was offended, and a bit pissed off.  If you know me, you know that almost nothing offends me.

I met up for drinks with a friend last night who I hadn’t seen since our one date back in February or March (we both for the life of us can’t remember which month exactly).  We’d gone on one date, had a good time, and then he admitted to me that he wasn’t ready to date and that he was severely fucked up from his last relationship of two years – which had ended the week prior (I guess I have really bad timing?).  I was upset at this conclusion but thought, hey, at least he was honest with me and didn’t just fall off the face of the planet (like uh, someone who I won’t name).  I wasn’t mad at him, though I honestly believed that if I was “the one”* for him, timing would not have mattered.  I told him this last night and he disagreed.  He insisted that it was his messed up state-of-mind due his last relationship and nothing else.  I said we’ll agree to disagree.

But we’d stayed in touch now-and-then via email since the winter and we made plans recently to get drinks last night at Prohibition on the UWS.  The bartender there is super nice and it’s actually a really cool laid-back bar.  This “drinks-getting” was not a date at ALL.  This was just two people who happened to have gone on a date months ago catching up.  Somehow we got onto the topic of our date and why it didn’t work out and his state-of-mind, etc.  He then also added that he couldn’t have gotten serious with me because his mother really wants him to marry a Jewish girl.  I’m only a half-Jew (a McJew – an Irish Jew, as my mother calls my brother and I), and one who pretty detests religion altogether.  He admitted what a stupid reason this was, but he really felt he owed his parents.  I was stunned; this had never been said to me before.  I was really offended and really saddened for him that he could be so foolish (and I feel awful saying that because he really is a great person, one that I could’ve seen myself dating).  It’s your relationship, not your parents’ relationship.  So, now, I’m just extremely confused as to how someone could be manipulated in such a way by their parents.  But like, I said, he is a really, extremely great guy - funny, smart, sweet, cute, good job, etc. - so I wish him all of the best, of course.  We’re going to stay friends, though not for the possiblity of anything else - I’m not pulling a Charlotte York.  This McJew converts for no one.

We can just file this under: “another reason why religion is a big waste of time and all religious texts should be burned and forgotten about.”

*I don’t believe in “the one.”  I believe there are many “ones” for each person.

What a some guy who was browsing my profile has on his OkCupid profile:

When I was younger, I was all about chasing and dating pretty girls and developed a stupidly high looks filter that automatically screens out 80-90% of the women I meet. (Yeah. - I know I’m shallow.) Of the remaining 10-20%, a good majority has emotional baggage I’d rather not deal with. I would also want to be with someone who has above average emotional and academic intelligence. Let’s say this is 2 standard deviations above the norm. Assuming 5 million women in NYC, 2 million in my age bracket, that leaves around 2 million x 0.1 (for women whom I would actually be attracted to) x 0.025 (for someone who does not represent a dead-end as far as potential relationship)…That leaves around 5000 women.

Not bad, you say. But there is another problem with cute girls: they are so accustomed to attention from men that many have either coasted through life either based on their looks alone or are too self-conscious about it. As far as a long-term relationship is concerned, I also need someone with a strong enough a personality to hold her own, someone who is not
afraid to tell me when I’m being an ass or stare me down when necessary.

From anecdotal experience, that screens out another 95%. Leaving us with 5000 x 0.05 = 250

There is also an issue of compatibility. While I
find some differences very stimulating, there are
incompatibilities that can’t simply be glossed over. On a more gestalt level, “chemistry” is even more elusive. So assuming that I’m compatible with 50% and 25% reciprocates my interest—the competition is tough!—that leaves

250 x 0.5 x 0.25

So…

30 out of 5 million in NYC.

And you thought it was hard to find a needle in the haystack.

Well, whoever lands this guy is one lucky lady!

I actually have no words!

Well, that’s not true.  I have a LOT of thoughts - none of them coherent - and those are comprised of words, so… That’s a bit of a lie.  Remember him?  Well, he’s returned from his vacation and instead of taking my email verbatim as “I’m done here,” what does he do?  He emails me back.  “I want to talk in person,” adding two possible locations and saying I can pick, it’s up to me.  Wow, he’s quite willing to compromise now!  After he asked if I knew where said location was, and after I replied no, he said, “I’ll meet you at your building at 6.”  I wrote back, “That’s okay, I’ll meet you there.”  I thought you weren’t that kind of guy?

I honestly don’t know why I’m meeting him.  This last week or so while he’s been MIA has been great.  I don’t want to see him; I don’t want him “back;” I don’t even want him as just… one of those friends.  So, I have no words.  I’m preparing myself to get mind-fucked - but we can always hope for the best, right?

I asked a few people what they thought, and half said, “Say you have nothing to talk about,” while the other half all said, literally, “life is too short.  See what he has to say.”  Here goes.

Tripping, falling, and getting back up.

Like Mallory, I trip and fall a lot.  I fell so often when I lived in London that my friends stopped helping me up, they knew I’d be fine after the 48th time.  I trip mostly when I’m wearing heels, or I’m inebriated; sometimes I’m just clumsy though.  When I trip, it’s like nothings happened.  I don’t even stop, I just stumble to my next step and keep going.  If I fall, I quickly brush myself off and keep going.  If people try to come help me, I say thank you, but tell them I’m fine.

I can pick myself up after tripping in all situations….. except when I have a trip-up in dating.  When things aren’t working out with someone I’m dating (my definition of dating: extremely casual, getting to know someone, non-exclusive), I get upset.  I get really upset and I go to my friends.  I rant to my friends; in fact I flat out badger them and I look for support.  I get support but I sometimes get the ugly truth too.  He’s just not that into you, for example; he’s an asshole, Allison, at other times.  They try to pick me up, but after an hour, they can only take so much combatting.  I have excuses for everything. I can come up with an excuse for why a guy isn’t calling, or you know, showing interest in general, until the I run out of breath.  I find myself making excuses for guys earlier and earlier after I meet them, especially recently.

When you meet someone you like, why don’t you just be honest and show it?  You don’t need to say it so early on, but show the person through actions (the occasional text or phone call, or even email) that you ARE interested.  They should go out of their way to see you.  And no, this does not apply soley to men - women start showing some affection and stop waiting for him to do everything.

With The Ex, it was fine in the beginning but after a short time, it got the point where I would just be waiting for the next time when he wouldn’t be “too busy” to hang out.  I was a captive audience because I liked him.  We never had closure either, which kind of sucked. No, it really sucked.

But as much as it hurts, and as much as it sucks, I’m learning how to be strong[er] and ditch the losers before they have a chance to string me along, and eventually ditch me.  Of course, a lot of this is coming from the support of my friends (eg. Mallory, who used to date like I did; and Jason, who just likes to deliver the ugly truth).  It’s hard to start all over again, start from scratch, which is why I think many women stay with the losers they’re dating (myself included, at times).  It’s better to be with someone rather than try to find someone who really appreciates us right?  Yeah, or not.

I’ve decided to start being that girl that walks away from the loser before he has a chance to hurt her, because even if he is great at the beginning - he’s changed, obviously, into an asshole, and as we all know (or should know), he WON’T change back.  The person you’re supposed to be with (for now, at least) would not act like an asshole to begin with, admit it.

If a person cared about you, or loved you, then that person wouldn’t make you cry, they wouldn’t make you feel bad, or wonder, or make you choose.  That person would care about you and let you know, and they would care about you how you are and not only after you changed what you cared about.  And don’t give me that bullshit that relationships are all about compromise.  There should be nothing to compromise if you’re right for one another.

So, while I practice this mantra, and “getting back up,” I hope all the ladies out there who are dating losers (and you know who you are), will find the strength to ditch the losers and start anew.  Believe me, it’s liberating and worth it.

Wow.

I love hate dating sites.  I talked to some guy tonight who LOVES Tucker Max - thinks he’s won the game of life, and claimed that I’d definitely fuck him.  Don’t get me wrong - when I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell first came out, I bought a copy.  I tried reading it and holy fuckin’ shit.  That man boy can NOT write.  If you write a book like that, you should at least be funny.  He is lacking humor to such a frustrating degree.

Oh, and this guy also went to Penn State, loves to drink, loves crowded bars, and works in finance.  Can we say, epitome of what I don’t like?

Single in the City

While talking to Mallory in a semi-manic state today, she gave me an idea.

Really be single. No more of these half-assed sabbaticals that last only until a cute (or in most cases, semi-cute) guy says hi to me.  Say no to guys who ask me out, even if they are cute and have good personalities.  Write about being single.  Take up new hobbies and do things alone.  Dating in the city has been written about, it’s been done.  Sex and the City, as much as I adore watching repeats (yes, I admit it) and chatting about it with my girl (gay) friends, it’s over.  I’ve gone on dates with at least 20 guys this year.  I can say that most have been game-players, assholes, or just simply immature.

So, what would I do if I really took this seriously?  Here are a few things that I came up with:

• Go to the MoMA on a Friday and really look around.  See if I can gain SOME kind of appreciation for art, other than modern art.
• Get a cool camera and actually try to take cool pictures.
• Learn iMovie really well!
• Write up a lot of events for Scallywag and Vagabond
• Drink a lot with Dylan and Chris at Destination Okay, so maybe that’s already a hobby…
• Re-kindle my love for reading and writing by myself at Edwards on Saturday nights.
• Do yoga - maybe go to a meet-up
• Meditate
• Cooking class?
• Go out with my friends and not worry about impressing anyone there.

Any other ideas?

MORE: dating rules

People everywhere are writing these today!  Mostly they’re just funny.  Especially the “pick her up in a car” one.  HAHA!  In the city?  Puh-lease!  It’s nice if a guy swings by my building and waits for me in my lobby - but a car?  I’d laugh at him and think he’s an idiot.

I think women who protest the ‘ladies first’ ideals really prove how dead chivalry is.  And that’s not a bad thing either!  It just means we’re getting closer to a society where women aren’t fragile, inferior beings in comparison to men, and they’re actually.. GASP!… equals!

kapi:

Here is a brief list of what every dude should do in the hours before a date with a lady (sorry gays, I dunno what a dude should do before a date with a dude, but probably the same thing.) This is in no particular order:

• Wear clean clothes.
• Smell good, but smell like a man.
• Take a goddamn shower.
• Actually wash yourself in that shower.
• Put on awesome records during all of this.
• Be clean.
• Be on time. Don’t keep a girl waiting, that’s what they do. They keep you waiting. Don’t return that favor.
• Smile.
• Laugh.
• Try to kiss her at least once. Don’t be a baby. No one likes a baby.
• It’s totally okay to have a beer or two before you meet up.  - HUH? What?  Dylan, did you write this???
• Don’t get too drunk while out. It’s cool if she does; it’s sloppy if you do.
• Even if you live in a big city, get the fuck over to her place and pick her up and take a damn car, don’t be a dumbass. Don’t “meet” somewhere. Go the fuck over there and pick her up. Jesus.
• Remember those jams you had on earlier? Keep them spinning in your head.
• Don’t talk too much. I always have this problem. Listening is not lame.
• Actually listen when she talks.
• Put your arm around her or something. Christ, stop being a baby.
• If they offer to pay, remember that it’s 2009, not 1957. Also, recession. Dutch is totally kosher these days. Pay on the first date even if she offers.
• Always have something in mind for after dinner or whatever you’re doing. Not always sex, but something. That also could be an out.

I think that sums it up. It’s a lot of common sense, but common sense is usually what separates cool dudes from douchebros. Nobody likes douchebros.

[via krispayne (about 6 months ago, still valid today)]