Email me at:
thatgirlallison08 at gmail dot com
Honestly? I really don’t like Valentine’s Day. I’m very happy that my man is flying up tonight to see me, but we’re not going out to dinner (we did have reservations but I asked him if he’d mind if we got Levain, beer, and chicken wings instead at a pub on the UWS - he was happy to oblige). But this date just happened to fall on a weekend so we said, why not!
I’ve had a terrible habit of breaking up with guys that I’m seeing, casually or otherwise, within 1-7 days of this holiday. I can’t take the pressure.
So, since I technically have a valentine this year, and the pressure is basically off (no parading around like we’re all pro-Valentine’s Day), I’m trying to calm down and just have fun eating some chocolate.
We’re doing a cheesy Valentine’s Day thing at work and we all had to make “card bags” and mine properly reflects my feelings towards the holiday:
Happy chocolate, cupcake, and sex day!
… use the term “date night,” you all have permission to punch me in the neck.
Because you know what this means? It means that you stay home with your significant other a majority of the time now (which, btw, is totally fine) and you feel the need to broadcast your trip to Applebees or Chili’s* to your 500 bff’s on the interwebs that you’re actually leaving the house.
What’s better than staying home with your significant other, cooking, drinking some wine, and watching a movie? Very little. But when you actually stop having sex for a long enough span of time to get dressed and go somewhere? This is not “date night.” This is just going out because you’d like to eat something specific or you’re too lazy to cook (again: nothing wrong with either one of those reasons).
Stop trying to prove to the internets that you’re still exciting. If you want to go out somewhere, go. No need to make a national holiday out of it.
*Also: If Applebees or Chili’s ever become acceptable establishments to eat at with my significant other (and not ironically), this is also a cause for concern.
I had a coffee date on Saturday with a dude. I wasn’t very excited because he was a) an actor and b) a vegan. Now I’m a huge believer in “eat everything in healthy moderation,” but I know there are vegans out there and to each their own. So the fact that this guy being a vegan made me think twice about him was very silly.
But the actor thing? Ugh. I’ve dated actors before. I mean, I went to school for theatre (not acting myself, but management) so I was around them all the time. I dated a lot of them. I can’t exactly get on their schedule while having a 8:30am-whenever-ish PM job. This, while less silly, was another silly reason.
So, we met up at Joe in Columbia’s atrium on 120th Street. I love that place, it’s awesome. So we grabbed a couple of drinks and sat outside in the courtyard. We talked really easily. It was a good time. When it got too chilly, we came back inside and took two chairs and sat in front of one of the windows of the atrium.
We talked on and on and on about music and theatre, families and where we grew up, religion and politics. And then he quickly through in, “Do you want kids?” And I quickly replied, “Nope. You?” and he looked relieved and replied in agreement. Instant bond.
It’s really rare to find someone that you get along with who also doesn’t want children. And it’s not that I hate kids, it’s just that they’re a real timesuck, they’re expensive, and I don’t think I’m meant to have them (meaning I don’t have the right disposition to deal with them). I look forward to being the awesome, super-cool aunt to my friend’s kids, for sure. I will buy them a copy of the Rent cast recording when they turn 10 (which will be so un-edgy by then that it will be like listening to a nursery rhyme) and I’ll totally be there when they are 15 or 16 and want to go on the pill. But my own? Nah.
Now, who knows, I could change my mind at 40, but for the foreseeable future, I’m definitely not into the idea. I’m also not willing to make a life-changing decision right now because there’s a chance I might want it when I’m 40. That’s just silly. And am I willing to compromise that for a great guy? Absolutely not. That happened once already - he was totally cute and definitely a catch, but he wanted “a bunch” of children. So, we’re friends.
The vegan actor and I said we wanted to hang out again, so we’ll see. I have no expectations. But at least we got one very important question out of the way sooner rather than later.
I have this really bad habit of holding things that guys have done to me in the past (wah - victim alert!) against new guys I meet in the future. I don’t go around boasting, “men are awful, horrible people. all of them,” because a lot of my really close friends are guys and because it’s just not true. But I also forget that some people just suck.
I went on two dates last week with a guy who was really sweet and we really started clicking at the end of our second date last Sunday. He asked if I wanted to go to trivia night at a bar near my apartment (he also used to live in my neighborhood) and I said yes, and it was planned.
He texted me on Tuesday to say that he was really stressed out at work and would sadly have to cancel but could he take a rain check. Also being slammed at work, I said yes, of course, that’s fine. My week flew by and before I knew it, it was Friday night and I sent him a quick text saying that I hoped his week was winding down.
That was Friday night and I never heard back from him. Maybe it’s because this was a person that I only knew for a week-ish, but I’m not really bothered this time. Because, as one of my good guy friends reminded me last night, some people just suck and you can’t hold that against every one else.
I had three awesome dates in a week and a half with a guy. He was great. He was so happy and enthusiastic, all of the time. I loved it. He was adorable, and smart, too. Then he went away to play in a music festival in Massachusetts for three weeks. We hung out as soon as he arrived back in Brooklyn.
He spent the last two weeks being a “funk” and today when I told him, “Peace out, buddy,” he got upset. He apologized for having been a hermit for the last two weeks and that I did nothing wrong. He said he’d realized that he should probably be dating a fellow musician (musicians dating each other always works out, right?) but that he really, really wanted to stay friends.
He said he was trying really hard to be honest, and spent the last couple of weeks super depressed trying to figure out how best not to hurt my feelings. Sorry, dude. The best thing to do would’ve been to tell me as soon as you started avoiding hanging out with me that you just wanted to be friends. Not two weeks later.
The last guy I dated also wanted a medal when he finally admitted that he didn’t think we had much of a connection - four weeks after our last date.
I’m sorry, but no.
After no word from a “friend” whom I was supposed to have dinner with on Saturday night (also to get back from him my Kundalini yoga DVD!), I picked myself up and went hung out at the bar that my friend was working at, Tangled Vine. Shortly after arriving, I grew restless and when I received a random message from a guy who was very attractive on OkCupid who was in town from Austin asking me for a drink, I did some super out-of-character and spontaneous:
I said yes.
We were going to meet at Felix on West Broadway, but it was a little loud when I got there so I popped across the street to Sanctuary T. The place was adorable, hip, quiet, and decently priced. The dude soon showed up and when I asked what he did in Austin, he said, “I manage a theatre company there.”
Wow! What are the chances, right? I’d checked beforehand, but he was also super liberal (duh, he’s from Austin, but you can never be absolutely sure with Texans). He was very cute, and nice, but a little bit boring. We talked for an hour or so over drinks and then we parted ways.
It was nice to find out that there is a chance that you can get a message from a guy on OkCupid, asking you out for a drink, and he won’t be a total asshole.
I guess that’s the moral of this story. Because he might surprise you and work in your industry too.
Yesterday I did something for the first time and it was easy and felt great. I told a guy that I didn’t think a second date was a good idea because I didn’t feel much of a connection. He said, “okay, that’s fair,” and that was it. I didn’t have to make up any lame excuses. It was awesome.
A few months back I was seeing a guy who I thought was awesome. We had tons in common and I thought we clicked. Well he actually wasn’t so awesome because he didn’t have the balls to tell me that he didn’t feel a spark until three (3!) weeks after our seventh (7!) date in a month.
We had gone to see Guster together so he ended things with “two points for honesty?” I didn’t reply. And I defriended him on facebook.
As I just learned, it’s not incredibly difficult to be honest and that honesty doesn’t usually take weeks to come by.